Tuesday, December 20, 2005
sad..damn sad..sad
i have to blog..i have to vent all my feelings out..i duno wad else can i vent out on..ur departure really hit me hard..even though we knew each other for only a year n 4 months(thats what you said), its like we had known each other for years..the way we met each other is so special that i couldnt believe it..
i remembered the day we knew each other n 1st smses....leslie asked you out for lunch the next day with jiawei n wanteng at arnd 5pm+ i tink..he asked me along as well..his hp got no more batt..n he used mine hp to msged u..n who knows that he actually forgot to tell u the time to meet for the lunch..n at arnd 10pm..u msged me..n said "im leslie's fren, blah blah"..to ask me bout the time..n we msged n msged..n unknowingly msged till 2+am..n i rmb i was watching real madrid soccer match at that time..yah n it all started from there..if u had nt msged me on that day..i most probably wouldnt had ask for ur number the next day..n this kind of acquintance is so special..its like fate brought us together to be frens..n who knows frens will lead till what now is happening..
n from then on we chatted in msn n msg..its like the feeling was there to talk..we were nt short of topics to talk on..n never was..
on 1 of the days of december 2004..b4 u went back to malaysia at that holidays..u came online..i chatted with u..and just at once..i could feel that ur feeling down, feeling sad..the feeling juz come this way..n quite much thinking..u told me that ur leaving for malaysia nxt year which is 2005..after olevels..at that time i was quite shocked..because we knew each other for only such a short period n my feeling at that time was that..im gonna lose a real great friend...from that point of time, i knew what im gonna face..the prospect of losing u soon..real soon..
n till 1 day i called you..was our 1st time chatting on the phone..chat quite alot..though we did stop at sometime..since then i had called you more times den ever..where we only stick to msg n msn...the feeling you gave me was special..special in a way that i had never felf this way before..everytime you went back to malaysia during the holidays, a surge of loneliness runs within me..even though usually it was only for 1 week, it was like im without a fren close to me..an important 1..and everytime i hear ur voice when u come back my spirits juz almost so quickly liven up..and when ur going to chiangmai for the field trip..it was two weeks..two weeks of loneliness..compared to 1week?..terrible..and i was looking forward to ur return from chiangmai at that time..but my eagerness to hear ur voice n msg u was all but broken apart after seeing ur msg..u said that u wun be using ur hp tat often anymore because u feel that u can live without it..i was sad of course..it meant that we wun be talking n msging as often..n im nt even in a mood to chat to you online..and yea i actually ignore you..for almost a month..i cant believe myself i was doing that..it was hard n heartbreaking..n when you talked to me one day online..i juz felt relieved..relieved that we are talking again..
from then on, we from gd frens became close frens n v gd frens..but..this was not what it turns out to be..as days went..my feelings became to change..i myself had no idea when it started to change..frm v gd frens feelings..developed into ever strong feelings..feelings for you..i knw you wun wan to be seeing this if ur reading..but i juz cant help it..i must say..i knew what im facing when i started to have this feeling..the prospect of you leaving..i was more than prepared for this..
when i let u know of my feelings when u come back that 1 week..i was like oh shit..this was not what i want..din intend to tell u..but..i had no choice..because of what u said to me..hope u understand..for all the words u said to me i did remember..i know what im doing n facing
when you finally left on sunday..it was like im controlling myself not to cry..not to cry..not to cry..these words filled my head..because i know that if i cry in front of u..u'd be sad..i shldnt be saying this..but yah..i cried hard..after u left..on the taxi..once u waved goodbye to me for the very last time n got on the taxi..n i waved back..tears started to flow..i juz couldnt control..
for this time i had never been so weak before..now my body is like half dead..nt enough strength to carry on walking..but i know i have to keep on walking..i know that u trust that i will be able to stand up from this setback n lead a new life..i will..i wun misplaced ur trust..but i will need some time..but for how long i wun knw..i juz knw that i have to stand up n be the usual n normal me as soon as possible..for i knw if u see ur friends are all happy, u will be happy as well..i knw ur suffering more than twice compared to us..but we trust u as well..u'll be able to pull through this period..n as for me..i juz felt like crying out loud nw..but i cant..xiang ku dan shi ku bu chu lai..my heart is crying..n mayb cry too much, din pump out enough blood for my body, n thus made me felt so weak..yes im crapping again..but quite true in a sense..
yah n i wan everybody to knw..especially you..yes you..that no 1 can replace you..all your wadever words, laughter,voice, and times with u will forever be with me..n i will stand up again.
posted by ®le0nhArtsUrf™ at 2:10 AM
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